?

I am feeling an excruciating pain. I want to record all these moments. I want to see tomorrow, how much of it I have suffered. I want to see how I got out of it.
          All I did is loved.! and this is my crime. And I loved with all my heart, I loved with everything which I had, I just forgot about myself and loved. And I failed.
          More than getting it back, I wanted .. aah... I am finding it very,very difficult to write, my eyes are all blurry with tears... I wanted to give all the happiness to the person I loved, wanted to take away all her pain, her worries and tears. But I failed in every sense. I am totally helpless.  I am fed up of pain, of my head blasting out... I am so weak in front of myself. I feel I have been stripped naked. I am feeling so ashamed of myself... I am unable to eat anything... I love my parents... I love her so much.. I cant bear so much pain.. i do not even have the option to die because even my life is not mine..
        I want to live today, but I am not allowed to. I am feeling strangled. I am feeling empty.. I have tried to reason out , to look at things logically..........
                    Why does it happen that everytime I  get the slightest happiness and share it. Its lost. Everytime something makes me happy.. and I jubiliate ....its taken away from me... I have lost everytime.. anything in which I have found extreme happiness.
           I have done everything for her.. I have tried to understand her feelings, her beliefs... Fought against myself to accept everything for her... cause I love her.. and she is my happiness....If i cant love her that I dont want anything else. Dont tell me I am stupid.. I know more than you. i have experienced more than you.. dont tell me about the future, because my present is killing me so badly. 
          I dont have the power to fight against the world. I have dont have the courage to go on.. I dont have the strength to listen to her shouting at me, no matter how much pain she is in.. I am feeling the pressure of studying.. but I am incapable of even thinking.. I want to leave everything, everythingggg... and just  run away..
          I had so many dreams.. I didnt get anytime.. not even proper two months... I want so much love..and I never got it...and as sson as i got it.. i tried to hold it.. and it was snatched away.. I never meant more to her than religion and she meant everything to me. She says that loving me is wrong... I cant ask her to do wrong for me..  cant ask her for my life source... my life is shit... my love is shit.. I hate myself..
         I am tired.. very tired.. wish to cut myself into pieces. I wish someone could murder me.
         I want to love her, I want to kiss her, I want to hold her.. every sec I have dreamt about it.. last month every second I have lived with this feeling.. I cant sleep ... even close my eyes without thinking about her.. and its hurting.. my eyes.. my head..
  
  

Closing the gates.. as the night fades...

And yes . you wakeup, so cheerful and happy,
And no you don't wanna do it.. feel sad and crappy..
Yeah there you are.. you'r blessed with beauty..
No .. you don't have it ..nything but sanity...

Thou wakes up among those thousands love messages..
and you so lonely.. checking out but trashes...
You are singing a song..as beautiful thoughts dashes..
you crying soul.. ur each desire crashes..

Oh you are ready ..all fresh.. smelling roses...
Wake up right now.. no more time passes...
Royally dressed up in those beautiful panache..
You beggared little.. your trunk full of ashes..

Its our day.. the V-day... come chirp love-birds..
lets make a We-day ..my friends..and forget all absurds...!!


(To be continued... some day.. some time...)

Karate ne rei!!

Yeah, I know I am disturbing the chronological order but I can't wait to write about my first karate class. In the morning when I went for the demo class I could see a number of students wearing the (GI) karate dress, adorned in green, blue and orange belts. My first impression was.. okay that's not tough.. and yeah these guys are not balancing them properly .. blah .. blah.. I sat there for about two hours cause it is just so great to follow up something you are passionate. So I decided that everything seems good enough to join.

In the evening I was there at my Dojo ( school/temple of learning). One of my Sempai (senior.. the spelling is bound to be wrong as I don't know the least bit of Chinese/Japanese, gave me the first heads which included greetings and basic warmup exercises. I started having a feel of the thing, as all my body parts got twisted at all angles. I tried hard to remember the words and moves(the most trivial ones.. yeah..but still moves) and my warmup was over and I was to join others in the practise arena. As I stumbled in, I started following others in which one was to jump and sit from one leg to the other. After ten counts I was done for the day..but guess what this was just the beginning. This was followed by number of punches and kicks in one of the most awkward postures. I tried my level best to get at least to 20% of the black belt who was doing it near perfect just in front of me. That guy was just so very flexible and fast, though my first impression because of his looks were that he is so weak. And woops.. he was the swiftest in the race in which one has to carry another fellow on his back and run two rounds. Looks can definitely be deceiving. But yes I got assured that if I follow it strictly one day it will help if I need to run away with someone ;). Anyway my fighting spirit won't let me down, so I kept on with others , at times my (Sensei) instructor felt that I was dancing :P (he already knows the secret). With the series of warm-down exercises we were finally allowed to leave. I am feeling quite tired, my thighs are sore; I don't what time I will wake up tomorrow.. but come baby I am ready. I will be there again.....

Since now I am a Karateka.!! the count begins:.. ICHI,NI ,SAN,SHI,GO,ROKU,NANA,HACHI,KO,JU... ............YOI

Importance of the finish...!!

Each one of us have heard the numerous tales about how important the first step is.. that no matter how great the journey is it always starts with the first step... what i realized recently was how equally important was the last step, the finishing move...
We are surrounded by abundance of opportunities and directions. Each second we have a choice to make. Amongst this what becomes important in the long run is, no matter what path we took.. what choice we made... , but how long we adhered to it... did we reach that final milestone .. on which its carved .. yeah you were good.. !
In the cluttered mind of our generation.. with the tides of thoughts rocking your existence (i sometimes wonder how rock music got its name....) the importance of generating a serene ambience in which you plan out your path.. your goal is quintessential and like a sculpturer carve out your motivations ,your dreams into a beautiful chain..
An right if you started a thing.. and didnt master it.. (or to the least become good enough) you wasted your entity that countless times.

YAHOO!!

Well i guess this is one of the most frustrating times in my life.Each things i do ,each time i enjoy there is something going behind my mind.Usually i like to keep my options open and this time i was too careless , not to say that the situation is that grim or that i don't have any options left.I just wished to enjoy ,have fun like a free bird and O yes i did in my 7th semester.I did all that entertained my mind,that i always wished and gave my jovial times preference over my studious and responsible attitude.I started gymming regularly ,had my first guitar classes, went wooing after a girl who absolutely charmed me and then had a blast in my sister's marriage.BUT in the process i gave the CAT exams ( I always wished to excel in this exam) for fun n "experience" ,I didn't do any good projects seriously enough and even my thirst for more knowledge was partially undercover.And now i realy find it difficult to balance and weigh one over the other and yeah this placement session made me believe in luck as a big factor for the first time.I always believed it but it was always 90% your hard word and 10% your luck but i guess that this perception got greatly challenged.
Its so frustrating .Why did this thing had to happen in our year.I mean the recession and all.I just pray that my confidence and composition takes me through these troubled times which may even get worse or i pray may improve as soon.I promise myself again that i will always secure myself and never leave myself vulnerable.I m not sure why i wrote this post,but i just wish that i read this again when i am out of this dilemma and i can smile on this....

College Days(Classless scenario of a class)

Sat grounded in such boring class,
Warned again 'don't be so smart'.
Crouching on the last bench I escape his eyes,
And trying to bang my memories alive.
Distributed Systems so interestingly I dreamt,
My teachers melodies sends me back to them.
From those short, dreamy naps I often delved,
O words of prose, I command your help.

I swing around to see all faces,
Thoughts of each,I capture in traces.
Sonu n Kapil n Vinisha in dire attention,
Their notes so popular not to mention.
First benchers are all girls with empty visages,
Question n exclamations embodied in their places.
Just saw my angel through the classroom door,
Now it's trouble putting my thoughts to core.

Pratibha and Dolly,the famous twins,
Frollicking with hair and embracing their chins.
Shivam,Mr. Cricketer, busy playing his pranks,
Whispering and giggling with Prakhar,the champ.
APS,the gymmer besides me is seated,
Patting his hands,flexing muscles all heated...

It's just the begining...

My first words of the blog shud convey my intentions,which i guess is the norm... As my title suggests that it's just a begining i feel all the more reason to explain why i didn't blog earlier..its because my mind blows like a wind.. i can't adhere to one genre of thoughts.. and the swings in my emotions make each of them incongruent to others...
It's just the begining of the LIFE,the responsibilities, the authorities, the pressure and the game...and of blogging as well..which i aim to continue wid dis journey...